When I used to think of home safety, I’d keep the obvious cardinal rules in mind: Don’t stick a fork in the electrical socket, don’t leave your morning newspaper on top of the oven, and make sure whatever you’re putting in the microwave is meant to be in there. But if you thought you were safe at home watching Antiques Roadshow, you were dead wrong.
![](https://i0.wp.com/www.consumertrap.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/tv-monster-300x300.jpg)
R.I.P. Cindy, as seen above
What sort of dangers awaits you in your own home? Ask one of the sixty-seven thousand five hundred and eighty-one (67,581) innocent victims of TV and TV Stand injury and they’ll probably piss themselves with fear . These numbers represent data collected from the US Consumer Product Safety Commission, and they are serious about letting you know that TV’s and TV Stands are out to get you, because what you don’t know about the tube will definitely kill you sooner or later.
That, along with this next chart that suggets your daughter might die making a milkshake, is rightfully cause for panic. And it’s not enough for them to leave it at knowing your home is a death trap, but our friends at the CPSC went all the way to catergorizing each crippling and fatal injury by gender. What do the numbers mean? Well, allow me to break it down or you.
![](https://i0.wp.com/www.unplggd.com/uimages/unplggd/022510finalframe.jpg)
Breaking News: Men suffer the most.
Ladies, abandon all traditional gender roles and stay the fuck out of the kitchen. No, it’s not because you make an awful chicken pot pie, it’s just facts; more women are brutally injured then men in the kitchen each year by cooking and small kitchen appliances. Men across the world had thought they’d dodge all the high risk scaldings and blender mishaps throwing the ladies in there, but little did they know the greater dangers had been amongst their beloved flatscreens and Gilette Fusion Proglides all along.
Look at the numbers: Men fuck up a lot more then women in every room except the kitchen, and that’s because we only know how to grab beer out of the refridgerator. Oh wait, wouldn’t you believe it, we’re even more susceptible to refridgerators killing us too. We can’t shave our faces, mow our lawns or plug in our power tools, but the most terrifying stat of all is right infront of our couch. (No, it’s not the amount of beer wasted while fist-pumping.)
Over thirty-eight thousand brave men (and nearly thirty thousand women) have lost their clean slate of health to the television. I’m imaging a man trying to adjust his pivoting flat screen tv, and the tv falls on his head. He’s okay, but upset that he smashed the plasma screen on his expensive TV. Now, imagine that guy fucking up even worse, and seriously injuring himself. Now imagine THIRTY EIGHT THOUSAND HANK HILL’S DOING THIS, EVERY YEAR. Laugh now ladies, but who will mow your lawns when the televisions try to enslave the human race?
Personally, I’ve burnt myself pretty bad atleast a few times cooking supper, but never have I even imagined breaking a femur watching Corner Gas. So it leads me to wonder, how many people are injured per highly televised events such as last nights State Of The Union or a Super Bowl? Before you point out a good portion of these injuries are likely due to faliures during the installation process, or perhaps blotched robberies, it makes a fella wonder; could this be proof that television truly is an overseen population control?
Definitely yes.
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